American Horrorplex Take 1 (non-Invasive)

Review by Ash

5 Stars

In its inaugural year, on only its second night alive (if you can call what's in there "alive"), American Horrorplex catapults you into a twisted night of terror. And you're lucky if you make it out alive and without contamination.

Sure, the line was long - here is a good time to buy the VIP pass and skip the line. I tend to feel that way about most places cause I'm an impatient brat, but I think you're gonna want to get to the good stuff faster. Spring for it if you can.

There are two different experiences at American Horrorplex: the regular walk-through and the Invasive walk-through. I'll review Invasive later - it's a wholly different experience! For now, I'll focus on our first trip through. 

Kayla and I adopted a couple we found fun and thought they would make a great sacrifice - I mean...nevermind. Colton and Trix Yogurt (Robyn), thanks for hanging out with us, first off. Y'all were a blast! Second, omg, I think Robyn made a whole ship full of sailors blush as the spew of newly formed expletives rushed out in every scene! It was fabulous, and y'all were great sports. 

In the line, we are treated to the fun talents of Dr. Heart (with a little heart on her lab coat), 47, creepy dude (I'm sure he has a name but for the life of me I don't remember if we ever got it), and the minions. NOT the yellow guys, either. The sounds, sights, and yes, smells, are an adventure all their own. They kept us entertained and the lady who wears her heart on her...outside of her chest...offered us candy. I mean, you're never too old for candy!! Just maybe don't get too close to 47. He is pretty damn convincing that he's not gonna move. DON'T TRUST HIM!! And maybe don't smell his teeth...just my opinion.

Once it's our turn, we're ushered into a cage where the rules and regulations are delivered to us in a German accent. None of us speak German, so the lovely lady switched to English for our benefit. Then we're taken inside and the real fun begins. 

No no, we don't need a trip to the dentist, and sure, we'll go meet your children! Wait, what? No, I need my body parts for myself, thanks! You again?! Kitty? KITTY! Kayla's seen your kitty! (Not that kind, you perv!) Oh shit, someone find his damn kitty! Oh good, a church. Wait. No no no, I don't need this religion! Okay, he's alive, but that guy isn't, is he? Or is he? IS HE??? Why all the banging doors? For the love of God don't let whatever is in there out! Oh, a lady cop, she'll help us - nope! Wrong again! Ooooh, I wanna pull the lever!! No, I don't wanna go in there! Is that poo? Nah...oh, wait...yep, THAT is poo. Oh shit. I'm not going in there. I AM NOT GOING IN THERE!! Damn it, I went in there and no, those are not tears in my eyes. I'm not scaredy-crying, YOU are! I'M NOT STEPPING ON THAT! *Sorry I called you a fucking bitch, Kayla!* Oh look, more hungry people wanna eat us. I'm more popular here than I've ever been! Oh good, a chance to catch our - NOOOPPPEE!!! WTF are y'all?! No, I don't wanna play! Get me outta here!

Whew! Yeah, I skipped a little bit that Kayla outlined, but omg, you can NOT fit all that we went through into a decent length review. That was nonstop, heart thudding, adrenaline-pumping, scream-inducing assault on our sense of reality and sanity, ending only in the need and desire to GTFO of that place! 

The set design was very well thought out and executed, the makeup and costumes were spot-on, and the whole haunt seemed to blur the lines between realism and surrealism. Are you awake? Are you having a nightmare? Is there really a difference at this point?

All said and done, obviously this haunt gets 5 stars. I can't say one bad thing other than I question the sanity of the creators and developers of this trippy haunt. I'd recommend therapy but I've seen the doctors they hang out with and I'm pretty sure those folks replaced the line between sanity and insanity with a banana ages ago.