Haunted Review – Malice Manor
Ah, sweet October. She’s here at last! And you know what that means, right? Damn straight you do! It’s time to go out in search of terror and screams as we review the local haunted attractions! Up first for the 2021 season is a first for us – Malice Manor in southern Indiana!
Okay, so first off, not gonna lie, it didn’t really LOOK like a haunt when we pulled up. It looked more like a dive bar or restaurant, or maybe even an arcade or something. We didn’t see any signage driving up or anywhere except on the front of the building. (Regrettably, I have very few pics to share, and none of the outside, I’m sorry for that!)
So, we go in, buy our tickets at the ticket booth, and while waiting in line to buy tix they had a Friday the 13th movie playing on one wall and that kinda got us hopeful. Then we made it into the next room into the line and at first the line was moving along at a decent pace. But we had time to check out some of the décor, and it was pretty spiffy! The line was created by a white “wrought iron” fence made of what we guessed was mostly PVC pipe, but it looked great in the dark lighting and strobe, especially with artificial ivy draped on it, you almost felt like it was a real fence and you could be outside! There was an awesome fountain – warning, it’s real water, lol! One member of our group thought it was fake and touched it, then was startled to find it was actually running water.
We finally got up what looked like the halfway point after about 20-30 minutes – not too shabby, considering the number of people there. That’s when things got interesting. Or to be more accurate, they got…boring. Very, very boring. Because the line movement basically stopped. It took us about an hour to move about halfway to the end of the line from that point, then well over another hour to make it the rest of the way. Why? Because they were sending almost nothing but fast pass groups through. I get it. These folks paid extra so they don’t have to wait in forever long lines. I really do understand that. But the rest of us paying general admission still paid good money, and paying $25 to wait 3 hours is a bit ridiculous. And watching people who shelled out an extra $15 wait 5-15 minutes really makes it look like the regular joe’s like us are far less important. It’s not always about the almighty dollar. Plus, the CONSTANT strobe light effects for that long gave three of our group a splitting headache. Props to the actors and employees that can deal with those strobes all night, but for those of us not used to it, that was agony. Not to mention there were no actors to entertain us, no movie playing where it would have been more appreciated, and no entertainment at all.
Also, please clean your floors. Us regular joes were exhausted and needed a seat, and since none are available, we had to sit on your floor. It smells like rotten cheeseburgers, feet, and mold. And urine. I don’t think that’s from fear, but more because there are no bathroom options for 3 hours…that’s a long time to make people wait to pee. Not to mention the lack of air circulation made for some serious BO and swamp ass situations from some of your patrons. I gotta admit, the smells are far from pleasant, and if that’s part of the “experience” being provided, could someone please rethink that avenue?
So, we finally get our turn, they take our picture, and we head in. Creepy Ambrose welcomed us, gave us the backstory about Alice, and directed us where to go from there. Which I won’t give away, but if you have arthritic knees, maybe bring a drink and some ibuprofen to take beforehand, lol.
Now, I do need to give some massive props to the…uh…props department, lol. Props, set décor, quality of the scenery, everything was realistic looking and high quality. Set design is always a big deal for me, and I really appreciate the effort that went into creating every room.
There was one part of the haunt that I will admit I did NOT like, at all. I don’t enjoy any level of pain, and that includes being electrocuted, even with a “minor” shock. My skin is incredibly sensitive and that shit HURT. Considering we had NO option other than to feel our way to navigate the tight corners and sharp turns in the pitch black darkness, to have my fingers and arm go numb almost up to my elbow was not appreciated by the two of us that got shocked. I will never ever appreciate pain. And I wasn’t shy about announcing that either. My apologies for the stream of obscenities that flew out of my mouth that night, I was pretty furious with that part.
Okay, so that vent is over. Moving on. The actors were really good and gave it their all. There were a lot of empty rooms, but as with most other haunts in the area, they are hiring so I feel they were short on actors and had to leave some rooms empty. I can’t fault them for that, everyone is struggling. I won’t go on my soapbox about the employment/unemployment status of our country, but I will say if you need a job, they are out there, even seasonal, and I encourage people to step outside their comfort zones and try something new. Help these haunts reach their full potential.
I also have to touch on one room in particular. Without giving anything away, one of my greatest fears was disturbingly abundant in one certain area. I saw what was coming and pushed a couple folks in front of me, knowing I was going to be scared half to death. I was not wrong. I cowered behind my friends screaming. Then something happened that has legitimately NEVER happened to me before in any haunt. Ever. I literally blacked out from fear. One minute I was cowering behind a friend, there were a few fleeting flashes of beating egg sacs out of my way, then I was ahead of the group in a room with dangling bodies. Apparently, I freaked, told my friends to hurry because they were going too slow, pushed past them and told them to get the fuck out of my way, and ran. Now, I’m going by what I was told, because I have zero memory of this. At all. So well done, Malice Manor, in my first ever blackout that didn’t involve the inability to breathe due to asthma related issues. That…was disturbing.
I got excited at one point, thinking I was gonna get a shot, hoping for some rum. For the record, it doesn’t matter what you order, you’re getting the wet n wild, and let’s just hope you don’t melt, hehe. I was a little sad I didn’t get my hot n horny or my rum, but that was hilarious. Also, the drag queen was so great, I loved them!! That hair and dress were so fancy, I loved everything about that character!
The very last scene that is kind of cliché among many haunts at that stage of the game was kind of disappointing, BUT it could have been due to the lack of actors. It admittedly takes a LOT to scare me with a chainsaw, but a couple of the folks in my group fear them and barely jumped.
So yeah, this was a long review. There was a lot to be said, both in the positive and in the negative. And with it being my first time at this haunt, I wanted to be thorough.
For props, scenery, design, etc., I definitely give this 5 stars. That was really well done and well thought out.
For scares, I have to give it 4 stars. The fact that I blacked out in fear should have been an automatic 5 star, but there were a LOT of boo scares, jumping out at us, and that really isn’t scary, it’s startling. There were also some funny scenes, that weren’t scary at all, BUT please don’t take that as a negative. The sandwich thing was freakin great, and the belly bumping!
I don’t think I’ve ever had to include wait time in a review before, but it was so painful (literally) that I felt it needed to be rated. I must give this a 1 star. I don’t dislike this haunt, please don’t get that twisted, but the length of time, the heat, the lack of any entertainment, the unpleasant smells, the dirty floors, and the overall frustration this caused was just not worth the price of admission for a 20 minute walk through the haunt, I don’t care how good the haunt itself is. I have to add that in because of how strong of an impression that part left on me. My legs and feet still hurt almost 24 hours later.
Overall score: 4 stars. Our group really had a fantastic time, once we finally got through the line. It was scary, it was funny, it was entertaining. If the line situation were improved, I can easily see this haunt scoring 5 stars on future visits. I really hope to be able to give them a higher score next time, I want them to stick around for many years!
